Before You Leave (Part 2)

March 26, 2009 at 11:36 am (Church, Leadership, Pastoral)

By Dan Rieland

Thousands of people leave their churches everyday. Your church is no exception. Right now, someone is thinking about leaving. The curious thing is that the majority of those who leave, and go to another church, discover that it, too, falls short of perfection.

In part one of this article, I talked to the pastors who are considering leaving their church. I’d like to talk to you who are not pastors but are members, regular attenders, or active at some level in your church. I want to talk with those of you who are considering leaving your church. If you are in anyway unhappy, unfulfilled, questioning and or considering leaving your church please keep reading. Or if you know someone like this, forward this article.

Stories abound of people who leave their churches. Some are devastating stories of deep hurt and pain. If you heard them you would struggle to believe that Christians were involved. There are always two sides to the story, and in all cases both sides believe they are right. This isn’t something new. It’s just a smaller and slightly more civil version of The Holy Wars fought long ago. They may have been long ago, but the word crusade still fits. When people add religion and righteousness to their own agendas we end up with a dangerous combination. Each side believes they are right and God is backing them. Even when they know they are behaving like a two-year-old, or something closer to the devil, the “cause” justifies the actions. The topics are clear enough, such as church finances, decision-making, ministry-programming, vision, and issues of confidentiality. It’s when it gets personal that things go ballistic.

Not all topics are so serious, in fact some seem comical. Once again you wouldn’t believe that sincere Christ-followers are involved. But they are and they leave their church over such issues. I could write for pages on these stories. I love The Church so when I tell you some of this, it only fuels me to dig in, fight harder, and lead better! How about you? Do you want to leave or make your church better?

It’s a true story, several people left their church in Texas over the choice (brand) of (free) coffee served. A number of people left a beautiful new church in the Southeast because they opened a coffee shop in the church and charged for coffee! (Everyone knows that coffee should be free for all Christians everywhere, all the time!) Let’s move off the coffee theme. People left a large and well known church because parking lot attendants told them where to park. I would love to be one of those guys for just one Sunday so I could tell a couple people where to park it! Another church actually fired the pastor over a fight about whether to put chairs or pews in their new building. I was in a small church that fought over what kind of plants to put out in front of the church. And they used Bible verses to back their opinions! We smile in disbelief, but quietly our hearts break. Here’s the thing, these stories seem stupid until you are the one in them. Then its real and its personal and you get mad and you consider leaving your church.

I would like you to consider these following questions before you leave your church. I have already admitted that I love the local church, so you know my bias. I believe in the church. I’d rather you not leave. Ultimately you will make your own decision. But trust me, why you leave (and the way you leave if you do) makes a big difference. And here’s the key, the difference it makes in your life is bigger than the difference it makes in your local church.

My goal with these questions is not to tell you what to do. I want to get you thinking and praying as much as possible because your church matters.

Is your church meeting your spiritual needs?

Are you growing in your faith? How do you assess that? Ultimately who do you consider responsible for your spiritual maturity, you or your church? If you are a young Christian (new to your faith) your church needs to take great effort to invest in you deeply. If, however, you have been a Christian for some time, you need to mature to a level of “self-feeding” and begin to serve others. At this point your church meets your spiritual needs by helping you find a place of meaningful ministry and training you for that ministry.

Do you have warm and vibrant friendships in your church?

Christianity is not a social club, but it is relational in nature. Friendships are important. Not so much for “parties and socials” (though they are fun!) but for community and an opportunity to express authentic faith. Are you reaching out to meet new people? Are you making invitations for others to be part of your life? Do you sense a healthy give and take with your relationships?

Do you sense a heart within you that is quick to worship?

When you attend church are you excited to worship? Do you quietly prepare yourself to give your heart to God in those moments or is it just part of “doing church”? What motivates you to worship? Do you arrive on time? Do you consider it the worship team’s “job” to get things going or your opportunity to jump into worship with your whole heart?

Are you on purpose or are you on personal?

This is an important question. If you have concerns about your church, do your concerns involve issues that are core to the purpose or mission of the church? Are your concerns at the epicenter of reaching people for Jesus and raising them up in their faith? Or is it more about something personal that you are passionate about? It is more about style and method than actual ministry purpose and the big picture vision of the church?

Have you used water or gasoline?

If you are frustrated about something, have you poured water or gasoline on the issue? In other words, if you were to see the issue that bothers you as a fire, and you can either make it better by throwing water on it, or make it worse by throwing gasoline on it, which are you doing?

Have you spoken with the appropriate leaders?

If you are convinced there is an issue that is core to the mission of the church — are you a water-carrier or a gasoline-thrower in relationship to your leaders? Have you talked to the appropriate leader? Talking with anyone who will listen to complain or gossip doesn’t help anything. If you have a concern, go to a pastor and talk about it directly. This conversation doesn’t commit your pastor to any certain path of action, but if nothing else, you can keep your relationship right.

What is your track record as a church member?

When you look back at previous churches you have attended, what is your pattern? Were you at each church for a long time? Were you giving and serving? Did you make good friends? Did you leave for “natural” reasons such as a relocation, or did you leave upset about something?

Do you see your church as primarily a place to give or a place to get?

Ultimately a good church is a place for both giving and receiving. However, where you place the emphasis really matters. I typically encourage Christians to see the church as a place that 51% or more is about giving. As in all relationships, expectations make a difference. If you expect the church to do the majority of the giving, you will undoubtedly be let down, and for good reason, that is not a biblical pattern.

If you leave, what do you want in your next church?

We all know that there is no reality in the greener grass syndrome, except in our minds. The church is certainly included in that principle. There is no perfect church. So, before you leave think about what you hope to experience in your next church, that you are not experiencing in your current church.

Perhaps you have excellent reasons to leave and in fact the Lord has prompted you to go. But make sure you know what you believe will be better and why. What is it about your new church that will be so different? And if in a certain area(s) the new church is better to you, what about the areas that will not be better? Did you make a wise decision, or did you just trade problems from one church to another? What if you were to stay at your church and become part of the solution?

I know there are times when leaving is the right answer. But far more often staying is a better answer. Not with hopes of getting your way, but to become a team player who cares deeply about the mission and is willing to sacrifice personal rights and privileges for the greater cause.

This is a sensitive topic and I don’t presume to specifically know what God wants you to do. But I do know He wants you and all of us to protect the church and do all we can to make it healthy and strong.

“This article is used by permission from Dr. Dan Reiland’s free monthly e-newsletter, “The Pastor’s Coach,” available at http://www.INJOY.com.”

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Before You Leave (Part 1)

March 6, 2009 at 10:14 am (Church, Leadership, Pastoral, Pastoral Helps)

by Dan Reiland

Making a change from one church to another can be the healthy, right and God-directed thing to do. I want to stress in part one of this two part series that it’s important to leave at the right time in the right way. I want to talk with you, as a pastor, on life and ministry before you leave. Part two will deal with life and ministry before a church member leaves.

Pastor, sometimes it’s difficult to know how and when to leave. Let alone discerning the right reason. Obviously, if you are fired, most options are eliminated and leaving on a high note is a challenge. But candidly, it’s done all the time. Even under adverse circumstances you can still leave well. For the good of the church, through a series of mature conversations, both parties agree to a resignation and a win-win is created. That is the best route if a termination may be inevitable.

There are other troubling circumstances that make leaving difficult such the case with a church is meaner than a junk yard dog. These churches are sometimes called “Pastor Eaters.” The church extends an invitation with smiles and apple pie — then chews the pastor up and spits him out. Believe or not these churches exist. I hope you are not at one, but just in case. They are usually run by a church boss who intimidates everyone. (Or sometimes the church is run by a few key families who have been there for a very long time.) If you start to change too many things, or gain too much influence, you may be out. The amazing thing is that the often near evil tactics of the church boss are tolerated by the rest of the church members! The members say things like, “Well, the pastor will leave in a couple years any way and I’ve been friends with Harvey (the church boss) for 30 years!” My advice is to leave as fast as you can. Those people will have to account to God one day. So shake the Bermuda from your loafers and seek a congregation that wants to see the Great Commission come alive! If you must, take a secular job for a short time. Better to enjoy life and your family rather than be held hostage by a “mean” church.

More than the difficult church settings, I want to focus on getting clarity on leaving a normal and healthy church. What should happen before you leave? I’m referring to the many churches that you and leaders like you may serve where things are going anywhere from okay to good and even great.

Because there are literally limitless numbers of possible scenarios, I will pose seven questions for you to ponder and answer. If you cover these well you will have the insight you need to leave at the right time in the right way. Or perhaps discover that you should not leave at all.

Have you given 100% of your effort and energy?

Every church deserves your best shot. Have you worked smart and worked hard? Be careful not to get sidetracked with “stuff” on the side. You may have freedoms to teach or write or consult or whatever, but always keep your church in first position. Make your church your priority. When time constraints become tight, cut the “outside” stuff for a season. Your freedoms may be of a different kind, like how you use your day. Going to the gym, having lunch with your wife and seeing your child sing in the school play are all good, but don’t count them as work time.

Here’s my point. Don’t leave if you haven’t given it your all. You may be surprised at the difference in results and get excited about staying.

Do you have a sense that you have completed what God sent you to do?

What were your dreams and visions when you came to the church? Have you fulfilled them? Are you happy with the results of your leadership? Is there more that you know you can accomplish?

There is a difference between restless and finished. As a leader, you may be restless, but you need to finish well. If you haven’t truly landed a clear vision, you owe it to yourself (as a growing leader) and to the church to stay until you at least give it a try. I promise that if you fail at your best effort for the vision, that is so much better than succeeding at mediocre same old — same old Sunday after Sunday ministry. Safe feels good in the moment but it’s empty in the long run.

Are you leaving the church in a good financial situation?

These are tough economic times in which to make this a reality. But even now you can lead in smart and prudent ways to keep the church in a stable financial position.

You may be sensing a stir within to leave, but if six more months or so of your consistent leadership would strengthen the church’s financial position, then staying may be the right thing to do.

Paying down debt, finishing a capital campaign, completing a building project, or even smaller things like refinancing a key loan in the church can make a big difference in your legacy as a pastor. Maybe just preaching a strong tithing series, whatever it is, be sure you have done all you can do.

Are you considering leaving because you are tired or frustrated?

We’ve all experience the Monday morning blues where we’d take nearly any call that comes in for a new church. That’s not the time to go. The steeple may be taller and the pay may be higher, but the grass is never greener. Every church environment and culture has its challenges. It’s true that some have more than others, but this side of heaven there is no perfect church.

You may just need a good vacation. Get some rest. If you’ve been there for more than ten years, perhaps a short sabbatical is in order. It’s amazing how that can change your perspective. Something as simple as relaxation can give you great clarity on leaving or staying. And if you are to leave, it helps you leave with the right spirit.

If you are frustrated about something, or perhaps you are under a lot of pressure, try bringing in a consultant to help you think through the issues.

Are all relationships, as far as it depends on you, in peace?

Don’t leave if there are relationships that need to be cleaned up but you don’t want to do it. You will regret leaving relationships undone. Not everyone wants to be at peace with you. That’s not your responsibility, but for all those where peace is possible, you take the lead and get healing, harmony or at least agree to disagree. If you are to leave, it’s such a breath of fresh air to know that you love the people and they love you.

Have you discussed this with those in your inner circle?

What do those closest to you think? Is this the right time? Would you be leaving the church in good shape or at a low? What does your spouse and key advisors think?

Ultimately you must decide, but never make this decision rashly or without counsel. Too much is at stake. Leaving the right way or leaving at all is a big deal. It’s a major stress in your life and the life of your church.

Again, are you able to lead your church to the next level but just don’t want to because you want something new? If you can take it to the next level, and the people will follow, it is likely that you have another season in front of you at your current church.

Do you have a clearance from God that you are released from your ministry?

This is the bottom line. What does God say? If He says go then go. But candidly I have found that if you can’t answer the kinds of questions above with ease and integrity, you may be listening to yourself more than God. I don’t mean that harshly, I would just hate to see you make a move when it wasn’t time, or if you haven’t done what you need to do.

Of course there are other things for you to consider before you leave, but these will get you well on your way to discovering the answer and doing it the right way.

“This article is used by permission from Dr. Dan Reiland’s free monthly e-newsletter, “The Pastor’s Coach,” available at http://www.INJOY.com.”

Visit The Pastor’s Helper for all your ministry needs — www.pastorshelper.com

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